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It’s all hunky-dory in the beginning. As GDR(Shantaram) says very succinctly, while a man’s life is not complete unless he has won the love, respect and trust of a woman, he has to live his life cherishing that trust reposed on him by her. The 1st part is damn easy considering we have coffee-pubs, PVR, discos, credit cards, telephone service providers . The 2nd bit, about re-creating that magic everyday till-death-do-us-apart is a problem.
A few factors that bring the sunset onto relationships:
1. Long distance
Have seen it happening in many relationships at IIMK. What was solid as a brick for 5 years, just crumbles. It works yes, but when the couple have known each other for ages -say childhood-sweethearts? College-romances -50/50. Else you have another convenient cushion in the vicinity – why bother with those phone calls and once-in-a-blue-moon meetings? It has more to do with whom you spend more of your time with?
2. The Crying-shoulder
Did your relationship start because you were there when the person was going through a bad patch? You were friends before yes, but suddenly the depressed person looks at you with a new look? And you gave in? Sorry, that’s another cookie that crumbles. The choices made by a person in depression are very different from when he/she is normal. Soon it would be “Yeah, thanks a lot for being there then. But I’m a different person now!”
3. When why-nots become whys
When all people see are the “obstacles” and “sacrifices”, wish all the more they were free. The joy in the relationship is long gone, boredom has set in. You’ve caught the bird, put her in a cage. Now that you can hear her, see her all the time, you just ignore her.
4. Guy less enthu than girl
Who does the problem solving for the couple? For e.g.: Who tries to figure out how to placate the ruffled elders? Where do you settle down?
Ideally, it should be done together through discussion, but more often than not when the lady does more of the thinking- warning bells!
5. Black and white–> Grey
When “circumstances”, “career” and many more dilute, define the flow of the relationship, from choices to confusion. From “can do”–>”maybe”.
6. Breaking than making statements
No brainer this one.
Most of the above can be zilched by patience, forgiving and more importantly, giving. But no one has the patience anymore to work things out. Two years apart and you wonder about changes in your needs, changes in you as a person, why bother about the other person? No wonder then, you have relationships breaking and making like switches. On-off. Glow-Darkness.
Makes one wonder about True love. Funny, one uses the word “true” with the word “love”. Such an abused word-love. Is it confined to that Golden Era of written letters, smoky trains? It does exist -I feel it each time I see that spark in my grandparents when they administer medicine to each other’s eyes every evening 
.
Blessed are they who strive for it, for they shall have it.
Strive is the keyword. Together.
Summary of Indian Lev (Love) Story – Phillumy ishtyle:
Guy meets girl, vice versa. The pair (1st sight or after some fights) decide they are inseparable. But trouble is around the corner- many permutation combinations out here considering there are parents, evil uncles/aunts, angry bros/sis; cultural elements like caste, region, religion et al
Cut to End result:
1. Levezhs *win over grouchy people – All’s well that ends well – Happily ever after!
2. Levezhs die leaving the aforementioned angry people morose, remorseful
3. Levezhs split marry people pointed out by grouchy people and live life anyways
We do not want to discuss sad-weird endings 2 and 3.
What is End result 1 – “Happily ever after!” ?
Let’s do the Venn diagram-walla complement thing:”What would destroy marital happiness” complement= “Happily ever after”
1. “Well, now I’ve got the girl/guy – let’s just focus on other stuff”
Mistake one – Taking each other for granted.
NEVER EVER. Kills the reason why you got married in the 1st place! Just getting married doesn’t mean the work is over. Why it has just begun! Getting married is like buying a car – Dream come true yes! But it needs fuel and maintenance.
2. “Where is that sweet person who understood me” wonders wifey, “Why doesn’t she understand how tired I am after work, how can we speak?” wonders hubby
Mistake two – Expecting the other person to “just understand”.
Explain. Communicate. It wasn’t tedious in your courting days, it shouldn’t be now. Point 2 can be taken as a subset of Point 1, come to think of it. But me-thinks it’s important in itself.
3. “Ah well, bending on my knees, dancing in the rain are meant for giggly couples, not married folks like us!”
Mistake three – Trading sweet nothings for sour somethings.
After a honeymoon period of 1 month – God, that’s long, that should be one week!
Hubby dear and wifey sweetheart come back to “drudgery” of everyday life -cook, clean, catch the train, face the rain -life goes in trying to live.
Why, it is small innocent gestures that gladden the heart, brighten the day. Go on, make a “fool” of yourself for her/him!
4. “Well, let him/her come and speak first”
Mistake 4: E-g-o
No please? Just take the 1st step. If you wait for long, the better half would have a lot of pent up anger – get it done with asap.
Avoid mistakes one, two, three and four – my think on the essential ingredients for happily- ever-after! Use imagination for garnishing, serve it warm
Disclaimer: Above is yours truly’s take on what went/is going wrong in a zillion Lev marriages.
*Levezh: Malu-English medhed (method) of pronouncing Lovers. Roll the r’s.
